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23 Jewish Jokes

G-d Will Provide (Sun, 12 Mar 2006 22:09:54 -0600)
A jewish girl brings her fiance home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. He invites the fiance to his study for schnapps.

"So? What are your plans?" the father asks the fiance.

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

"A Torah scholar," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the fiance insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go?"

The father answers, "He has no job, no money, and no plans, but the worse news is he thinks I'm God."

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Local Call (Wed, 28 Sep 2005 08:17:11 -0500)
The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the New Pope are in a meeting in Rome.

The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a
side table in the Pope's private chambers.

"What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.

"It's my direct line to God."

The Rabbi is skeptical...and the Pope notices. The
Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and,
so indeed, he is connected to God. The
Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him.

After hanging up the Rabbi says, "Thank you
Very much. This is great! I want to pay for my
phone charges."

The Pope, of course, refuses. The Rabbi is
steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in.
He checks the counter on the
phone and says: "All right.
The charges are 100,000 lira."

The Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills.

A few months later the Pope is in Jerusalem on
an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he
sees a phone identical to his and learns
it also is a direct line to God. The Pope remembers
he has an urgent matter that requires divine
consultation and asks if he can use the
Rabbi's phone.

The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and
the Pope chats away.

After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the
phone charges. The Rabbi looks on the phone counter
and says: "1 Shekel."

The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap?"

The Rabbi smiles. "Local call."

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Why Jesus was Jewish (Tue, 13 Sep 2005 14:32:46 -0500)
There were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business.

2. He lived at home until he was 33.

3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.

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Kosher Chicken (Tue, 08 Feb 2005 15:55:37 -0600)
once a man was walking down the street this man was a jew, then a Christian walks past and grabs the man and says stand here then the man goes to get 3 buckets and says these are buckets that are filled with holy water and then pors the bachets over the old mans head and says now you are not a jew any more but you are a non jew ( you can never stop being a jew thinks the man but watever) now man since you are not a jew any more you are not allowed to eat meat on friday night just to make sure that the man wouldn't eat the meat he visited the man and when he saw the man eating meat on friday night he barged into the mans house and said i will kill you because you broke the law so what do u have to say for yourself said the man the old jewish man said " this is not a chicken i took 3 cups of my own holy water and pored it over the chicken so if you made it work on me it can work on the chicken to.

Contributed by Noah Lourie, 11 from Israel

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Bush and Moses. (Fri, 11 Jun 2004 08:25:56 -0500)
Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff.

President Bush approached the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man didn't answer, but just kept staring straight ahead.

Again the President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.

The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the president.

Soon a secret service agent came along and President Bush grabbed him and said, "Doesn't this man look like Moses to you?"

The secret service agent agreed with the President.

"Well," said the President, "Every time I say his name, he just keeps staring ahead and refuses to speak. Watch!" Again, the President yelled, "Moses!" and again the man stared straight ahead.

Finally, the secret service man went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"

The man leaned over and whispered, "Yes, I am Moses. But the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert!"

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The Get (Mon, 08 Dec 2003 14:36:08 -0600)
New York judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings of a Jewish
couple. When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is complete
the woman thanks the judge and says "Now I have to arrange for a Get."

The judge inquires what she means by a Get. So, the woman explains that a
Get is a religious ceremony required under the Jewish religion in order to
receive a divorce.

The judge says, "You mean a religious ceremony like a Bris?

She replies "Yes, very similar, only in this case you get rid of the
entire schmuck."

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Religious Dog (Fri, 31 Oct 2003 09:17:48 -0600)
A man walks into Shul with a dog. The Shammas comes up to him and says,
"Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you can't bring your dog in
here." "What do you mean," says the man, "this is a Jewish dog. Look." And the
Shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St.
Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck this dog has a Tallis bag
round its neck. "Rover," says the man, "Daven!". "Woof!" says the dog, stands on his
hind legs, opens the Tallis bag, takes out a Kipa and puts it on his head.
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the Tallis bag,
takes out a Tallis and puts it round his neck. "Woof!" says the dog, stands on
his hind legs, opens the Tallis bag, takes out a Siddur and starts to
Daven. "That's fantastic," says the Shammas, "absolutely amazing, incredible!
You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get him in the
movies, he could make a million dollars!!" "You speak to him," says the man, "he wants to be a doctor...."

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Out of Italy (Fri, 31 Oct 2003 09:11:11 -0600)
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy. If the Pope won, they would have to leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate.

However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next the Pope waved his finger around his head.

Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever, and that the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Holy Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue."

Meanwhile the Jewish community gathered around Rabbi Moishe. "What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I said to him, 'Up yours!' Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, 'We're staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said Moishe. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

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The loan (Wed, 15 Oct 2003 09:37:36 -0500)
Issy walks into a central London bank and says he's going to America for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.
For collateral, he offers his new Rolls Royce. The bank is satisfied and parks it in their secured underground garage.
Two weeks later to the day, Issy returns to the bank and repays the £5,000 plus interest of £9.41
The loan officer says inquiringly, "Sir, we were delighted to have your business but checking your credit, we learned you are a multimillionaire. Why ever did you need to borrow £5,000?"
"Where else in central London could I park my car for two weeks for £9.41

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Jewish Dictionary extracts (Wed, 15 Oct 2003 09:32:55 -0500)
AFIKOMMENTS n. Adult arguing that occurs as children search for hidden Passover matzo.

BAGELA n. A gay Jewish baker.

BIALY ACHE n. The result of lunch at your mother's and dinner at your mother-in-law's.

BLINTZKRIEG n. A late-night assault on the refrigerator in search of leftovers even though "I won't be able to eat for a week!" Particularly common four to six hours after special-occasion gluttony.

BUBBEGUM n. Sweets one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 4 a.m. so she can change the baby's nappy.

DEJA NU n. Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face but not knowing exactly when.

DISKVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, medical school, or business
school, as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents, and Uncle Sid. (In extreme cases, simply choosing to study art history when Irvine's son, David, is studying biology, is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.)

DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.

HEBORT vb. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar Mitzvah.

HEBRUTE n. Israeli after shave.

HINDSTEIN n. A Semitic smart-ass.

IMPASTA n. Someone who eats leavened foods during Passover while maintaining he/she is observant.

JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that one's favourite celebrity is Jewish.

JEWDO n. A traditional form of self-defence based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.

KINDERSCHLEP vb. To be called on to car pool more children than one has fingers, in a car that was made in Japan.

MAMATZAH BALLS n. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make.

MATZILATION n. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.

MEINSTEIN slang. "My son, the genius."

MINYASTICS n. Going to incredible lengths to find a tenth person to complete a minyan.

MISHPOCHAMARKS n. The assorted lipstick and makeup stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.

RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Leyton to Edgware and finding all your old neighbours live in the same road as you.

SANTASHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish children get for when they celebrate Hanukkah while the rest of humanity celebrates Christmas.

SCHLERM n. The wrinkled end of a Blooms salami.

SCHMUCKLUCK n. Finding out one's wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.

SHOFARSOGUT n. The relief you feel when after many attempts the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.

TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah.

TRAYFFIC ACCIDENT n. An appetiser one finds out has pork in it after one has eaten it.

YENTILITY n. A deceptively sweet manner used to extract information. Key phrases include "Trust me", "Your secret is safe with me," and "If you can't tell me, who can you tell?"

YIDENTIFY vb. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis, or Taylor

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The convert. (Wed, 15 Oct 2003 09:29:10 -0500)
Martin Lewis converts and becomes a priest.
He give his first Mass in front of a number of high ranking priests who came for the occasion. At the end of the new priest's sermon, a cardinal goes up to congratulate him. "Pastor Lewis," he said, "That was very well done, you were just perfect. But next time, please don't start your sermon with, "Fellow Goyim..."

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First day (Tue, 14 Oct 2003 10:09:21 -0500)
A proud young mother sees off her son to school on the first day.
"Be a good boy, my boobaleh! Be careful and think of mummy, sweetest! Come right home on the bus, honey! Mummy loves you very much, baby!
At the end of the day, she?s waiting for the bus and sweeps him into her arms. "And what did my love learn on his first day at school?"
"I learned that my name is David."

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The visit to the dentist (Tue, 14 Oct 2003 10:03:00 -0500)
One day, Betty goes to her dentist and asks him how much it will cost to extract a wisdom tooth.
"Eighty pounds," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," Betty says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if I don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to £60."
"That's still too expensive," Betty says.
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anaesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging you only £20."
"No," moans Betty, "it's still too much."
"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it without anaesthetic and use a pair of old pliers - just for the experience, you understand, I suppose I could charge you just £10."
"Marvellous," says the woman, "book my husband Moishe for next Tuesday!"

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The garden of Eden (Tue, 14 Oct 2003 10:01:44 -0500)
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.
"Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a Man for you."
"What's a Man, Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be very competitive; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"But, what's the catch, Lord?"
"Well... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first... Just remember, it's our little secret---You know, Woman to Woman."

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Make me a Cohen, please (Tue, 14 Oct 2003 09:58:47 -0500)
Manny approached the Rabbi of his Reform Synagogue and said "Rabbi, please make me a Cohen."
The Rabbi, taken aback, tells Manny that it is impossible.
Manny offers the Rabbi £10,000, but the Rabbi won?t budge. He offers £50,000?then £75,000. Finally, the Rabbi, reluctantly, gives in. He teaches Manny Torah. He teaches him Talmud. After 6 months of classes, the Rabbi tells Manny, "OK, now you can be a Cohen."
The next Shabbat, Manny is called up for the first aliya in the Torah reading. He goes up, with a big smile on his face, says the brachot and afterwards returns to his seat.
But the Rabbi is still troubled and a little curious. He approaches Manny the next day and asks him why it was so important to him to be a Cohen.
Manny answers, "Rabbi, my father was a Cohen; my grandfather was a Cohen. I wanted to be a Cohen too!"

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The package. (Tue, 14 Oct 2003 09:51:27 -0500)
Moishe walks into a post office to send a package to his wife.
The postmaster says, "This package is too heavy, you'll need another stamp."
Moishe replies, "And that should make it lighter?"

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The Priest And The Rabbi (Tue, 14 Oct 2003 09:49:28 -0500)
A priest and a rabbi were sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest put down his book and said to the Rabbi, "I know that in your religion you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never ever tasted it?"
The rabbi closed his newspaper and replied, "I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, on the odd occasion."
The rabbi then had his turn to interrogate. He asked, "I know that in your religion you're supposed to be celibate... but..."
The priest interrupted, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."
The two continued with their reading and there was silence for a while.
Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

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Three Jewish Mothers (Tue, 14 Oct 2003 09:48:12 -0500)
Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a bench in Brent Cross shopping centre talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them.
Sadie says "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother."
Minnie says,"You call that love? You know the Mercedes I just got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What a doll."
Shirley says "That's nothing. You know my son Stanley? He's in analysis with a psychoanalyst in Harley Street. Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me."

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The school teacher?s prize. (Tue, 14 Oct 2003 09:43:49 -0500)
Angela was nearing 60 and was in her final year of teaching. She was a devout Christian who missed teaching from the Bible. Because she was worried at how little her class knew about religion, Angela decided she was going to disregard the new regulations and teach some religion. She told her class that she would run a contest. She would give £50 to whoever could tell her who was the greatest man who ever lived.
Immediately Moishe began to wave his hand, but Angela ignored him in favour of those in her Sunday school class. As she went around the room, Angela was disappointed with the answers she got. Jane, her best scholar, picked Noah because he saved all the animals. Others said, "I think the greatest man who ever lived was Alexander the Great because he conquered the whole world." and "I think it was Thomas Edison, because he invented the light bulb."
Finally, she called on Moishe who still had his hand in the air.
"I think the greatest man who ever lived was Jesus Christ." said Moishe. Angela was shocked but still gave him the £50 reward. As she did so, she said, "Well, Moishe, I'm very surprised that you should be the only one with the right answer. How come?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," Moishe replied as he pocketed the money, "I think it was Moses, but business is business."

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Morris, the Samurai. (Tue, 14 Oct 2003 09:40:20 -0500)
There once was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai. So he put up posters throughout the land saying he was searching for a new chief Samurai. But after 2 months, only 3 Samurai applied for the job, a Japanese, a Chinese, and Morris. So he interviewed all three.
The emperor first asked the Japanese to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Japanese opened a little silver box and out flew a little fly. Whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in two pieces. The emperor was impressed.
The emperor then asked the Chinese to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Chinese opened a small pearl box and out flew a smaller fly. Whoosh, whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in four pieces. The emperor was very impressed.
Then the emperor asked Morris to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. Morris opened a small gold box and out flew a wasp. Whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whooooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh went Morris's sword, but the wasp was still alive and buzzing around the emperor.
The emperor was very disappointed and asked Morris, "After all your sword play, why is the wasp not dead?"
Morris replied, "A circumcision is never intended to kill."

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Come & get me! Come & get me! Come & get me! Come & get me! (Tue, 14 Oct 2003 09:38:37 -0500)
Isaac and Sarah got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, Sarah immediately telephoned her mother Leah.
"Well," said Leah, "how was the honeymoon,darling?"
"Oh mum," Sarah replied, "the honeymoon was fantastic. It was so romantic, and ..and..."
Then Sarah started to cry. "Oh mum, as soon as we got back, Isaac started using terrible language. He said things I'd never hoped to hear, all those 4-letter words. Please mum, get into your car now and come and take me home."
"Calm down, darling," said Leah, "tell your mother what could be that awful. Don't be shy, tell me what 4-letter words Isaac used."
"Please mum, I'm too embarrassed to tell you, they're terrible words. Just come and take me away." said Sarah.
"But bubeleh, you must tell me, you must tell me what the 4-letter words were."
Still crying, Sarah replies, "Oh mum, he used words like WASH, COOK, IRON, DUST, ..."

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The yiddish speaker. (Sun, 12 Oct 2003 19:24:22 -0500)
Sadie, an elderly lady, goes up to a man at a bus stop in Golders Green.
She tugs on the sleeve of his coat and asks, "Farshtayn Yiddish?"
The man answers, "Yes, Ich Farshtay."
Sadie then says, "Vot Time is It?"

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The beggars. (Sun, 12 Oct 2003 18:27:11 -0500)
Hymie and Benny are two beggars sitting on a park bench in Ireland. Hymie is holding a large cross and Benny a large Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. People walk by, lift their noses at Benny and drop money in Hymie's hat. Soon Hymie's hat is full whilst Benny's hat is empty.
A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to Benny and says, "Don't you realize that this is a Christian country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David."
Benny turns to Hymie and says: "Hymie, look who's trying to teach us Marketing."

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